I didn’t quite tell you the whole story on my last post.
My parents were quite curious about the gender of their child during my pregnancy. The OB/GYN told them to expect a baby boy. The life of being a jock, strong silent type, and a big shot is what my family had planned out for me. While I like things that are stereotypically male like sports, mechanical engineering, and eating like a total animal. Oddly enough I like and do all of these things.
Life never quite worked out being a boy for me. I looked more to the women in my family. When I stood face to face to them, it was like looking in the mirror. Even on TV with female pop stars like The Spice Girls, Britney Spears, and Madonna, I was still looking in the mirror. Every opportunity, I would go shopping with the women in my life. I would gaze in envy at the clothes and makeup in store. Mom even saw the look in my face at a young age and asked if she could buy me makeup on multiple occasions. Every time, I said no everytime out of fear of being seen as a weak effeminate boy. Since then I had to ask the question “Am I just an effeminate boy or a girl?”
Fast forward a few years to when I was 8. I saw this beautiful pair of heels that my mom owned. She saw the look in my face and said to try them on. I did and for some reason, I immediately knew how to walk in them like I have been walking in heels for years. It felt right. I tried on one of her dresses next. Everything felt in place. Mom told me not to do this in front of the rest of the family or dad. I could tell at the time she was a bit scared of what everyone would think of her for letting me do this. I was still scared of what people would think of me personally.
High school came. Once a year “gender bender day” was celebrated for whatever reason. It was a day the girls can pull out their fake mustaches and boys can crossdress without being laughed at. The girls at the school did my makeup and outfit. Looking in the mirror was a moment for me. I strutted my style around the school. I had all the confidence in the world too. When mom picked me up that day, I was very happy.
College came and I started to realize the world is getting more tolerant and accepting. I was still so far back in the closet back then. The world showed me that it was more and more okay to be yourself. I felt like a girl. I told my closest friends about how I felt and identified. They were immediately accepting. I went out and gained the confidence to buy my own makeup and clothes. I practiced and practiced my basic look until I had the confidence to go out on the town. I went out with friends for my first few adventures. Eventually, I went on my own as the confident girl that I am alone. I even took a trip across the country to Michigan and showed off who I was inside to the world. Since then, I have come to the realization that I was a girl the whole time and that I just needed to admit it. It was at that point I told everyone else in my life.
To this day, I’m trying to figure out who I am. Each day I take a small step in self-discovery whether it be through fashion, a new makeup look, talking to friends, learning something new, or enjoying hobbies. Every discovery builds upon the last and makes me a better version of myself. There’s a lot that I have yet to discover about myself. I look forward to what each discovery has in store for me. However, in a world of being uncertain of who I am, there is one thing certain in this world. I am a strong, confident, self-reliant and smart woman. People can try to take away those qualities from me, but I won’t let them.
Now you know the rest of the story.