Emmy goes to Las Vegas Pride Parade.

Emmy here.

Sorry for being absent from this blog. Between the Ren Fair, Pride Parade and Harvest Festival, I’m having a blast.

Pride Parade was fun and everyone had very expressive outfits. I didn’t really go all out. My outfit was relatively simple. I wore a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. I did do anything outrageous like wear sparkles or wear a flag. I didn’t do much makeup, just the basics. I’m not much of a fan for screaming to cheer on the parade either. I had this internal fear of not looking like I fit in. I didn’t. I arrived uncomfortable. Everywhere I looked, I just didn’t fit in.

It didn’t matter. Everywhere I looked, it was all smiles and love. It was a celebration of people being true to themselves. Everyone was smiling and accepting. It didn’t matter that I didn’t look the part. I was automatically accepted for who I was. I felt those warm fuzzy feelings inside. It was fantastic. Love made me smile and made me fit in. I was jumping up and down more towards the end. I got in the spirit. I found my home.

P.S. All that love drowned out and kept the radically religious. I got to fight them with their own scripture. I also fought a TERF with her own logic. It was fabulous. I’ll be back next year.

It’s National Coming Out Day

Today is the day we celebrate all the coming out stories.  I have my own.

First time out was kinda accidental. It was in a chat room full of PoGo players. That night the group talked about the LBGT community in chat. I pulled someone aside who I had the gut feeling of trusting and asked if there were resources in town without being specific. Without me knowing, I came out to a fellow trans woman that night.

Time past and I went out on the town with her and some friends. I built up more confidence to dress up and even personally use female pronouns out in public.

I think the biggest moment was in Ann Arbor when I traveled to visit friends. I knew that WAR, DR, and GCR were great trusting communities based on all the chatter before I came. I packed my clothes and makeup and went. I was free and realized that the ingress community has my back. I felt comfortable enough to tell the world of ingress.

Scratch that. My biggest moment was going to school and realizing that there were people who supported me in school. I didn’t have to hide my private life at school. I talked to my professors and they had my back. I made sure and made a statement by walking in class presenting as the confident girl that I am. It went well and my productivity shot up. I was on top of the world.

Only one obstacle is left. My own family doesn’t know. I asked my own parents to read this blog and they haven’t yet. I even asked to talk. They haven’t gotten back to me yet. I fear for the worst honestly. However, I have faith that if they loved me up to this point. They will still love me afterward. If not, I have faith that time will heal up the self-inflicted family wounds.

It’s tough, I have to admit that much. I did, however, learn things when coming out and I want to share them with you in celebration of mine and many others’ stories.

First off come out in your own time. It took years for me to admit who I am. For others, it may take a just a few moments. You have all the time in the world to figure out who you are. No need to rush. Just don’t lie and you’ll find your true self. Even if it is national coming out day, don’t feel pressured into doing so. Plenty of people come out on a daily basis. You make the day for yourself. Remember this is just a day for celebrating all the coming out stories as a whole.

Do so when you are comfortable with the person you are going to tell. My rule is if your gut doesn’t feel comfortable, don’t.

Questions will be asked. Just be honest.

Some people will leave and abandon you for being yourself. If you think about it, you didn’t change in that moment, they did. They probably weren’t your friends anyway.

Some people need time to accept it. Give them time. Time makes everything better. Time is good for sorting things out really.

Don’t be afraid.

To those who are on the receiving end of this.

Don’t ask “Are you sure?” Yes, they are sure. I can assure you that by that time they figured out who they are. That person is comfortable with telling you.

You might not fully understand and that’s okay. You can ask questions but listen to what they have to say. Don’t interject. You will have your turn to say something. It’s a dialogue.

If you think someone is coming out just to make your life difficult, remember that coming out is for them not you. This is someone you cared about up until this point. Why stop now? Don’t be the person that abandons your friend or family member. You may need them someday.

 

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Thanks for raising me to be the incredible woman that I am. Your influence on me has been fantastic and every lesson I will take with me. Your encouragement has made me strive to be my very best self.

That’s right. I said woman.

The hints were there. You saw my interest in makeup and offered to buy it for me. You let me play dress up. I bought my own clothes, makeup, and shoes. You seen them around the house. You seen me at my most confident presenting as a woman. I even look more to the women in my life.

Mom, I just don’t know how to talk to you about this. You’ve been a brick wall since dad left and I have to tell you eventually. So maybe this letter to you will make you wake up. You have an amazing daughter and she wants to talk to you. I can’t wait for that day.

Love,

Emmy.

Observations from a Las Vegan

Sorry for being gone. If you have been living under a rock, a terrorist attack happened across here in Las Vegas. Ever since Sunday night, everyone in town needed a bit of time off. I honestly don’t blame anyone for doing that. I need a break from this blog too.

Now I’m not going to disguise the fact that many residents of Las Vegas, myself included, are transplants from somewhere else. We all came here to pursue a better life. We all live together in this hot hellhole where a city isn’t supposed to exist. We come together and support our neighbors for the simple reason we have to depend on one another or all our goods and services. If we don’t support each other the city dies.

This same level of service extends to every single guest that comes into town. The service industry is the very heart of our town. It is selfless and caring. We will treat you like a king or queen when you visit. We will have a smile on our faces and wave hello. We do all this even if you’re the most ungrateful person in the world. If we don’t make you feel welcome, this town would lose all its meaning and we would all pack up and move back to where we come from.

I know terrorism is making us fearful. I get it. I’m scared too. I see grown men who try to be strong crying. I see little kids lose their innocence. I see people trying to play the blame game out of fear. I see people try to profit and push agendas out of greed. (That’s for another blog post.) It hurts more seeing this act of terror in my home town.  This kind of fear is what terrorists want. They want disrupt the lives we love so much.

However, Las Vegas carries on as normal. No amount of time will make this baggage disappear, but we will make it small and carry it. In the midst of donating goods and blood, paying or respects, and comforting those in need we go to work, we serve visitors whether grateful or not, we complain about project neon. All this is part of a normal day in Las Vegas. In the face of tragedy we stand strong. In doing so we lead the fight and win against terrorism.

On the Catholic faith and being trans.

I was baptized in the Catholic Church. I grew up and still am a member of the Catholic Church. My faith is strong. I pray. I go to mass on Sunday. I even help kids prepare for first holy communion.

I do have to ask something.

Why did God make me this way? Why does He put me through this pain? I’m born a boy but I have the feeling of a girl inside. The cynical side of me says this is a cruel joke. Is there something bigger that God has for me by being trans? Is this all part of His big plan? He could’ve just made me female in the first place. Why didn’t He?

The more I tried to pray and embrace the boy I was born as the more it’s revealed the woman inside me. Crazy, right? My prayers get answered by female empowerment advertisements or powerful women in pop culture like Wonder Woman. It seems like every time I try to deny who I am I, there’s a sign pointing to who I really am like the pretty dress or the toys in the store.

I have to ask why?

After thinking about it and a bit of prayer. I think I have an answer.

If I was born a girl or God made someone like me without being trans, it wouldn’t be me. He created me, not someone else. Being around pleases him. I am a unique person in this world and nobody can be me.

Perhaps scripture has the answer.

The first takeaway is that He made me in his own image.

Genesis 1:27

God created mankind in his image; in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Secondly, I am perfect and He makes no mistakes.

1 Timothy 4:4

For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected when received with thanksgiving,

The next is that I am a child of God and he loves me.

1 John 3:1

]See what love the Father has bestowed on us that we may be called the children of God. Yet so we are. The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

The next is that even if I am marginalized for being trans, Jesus would still hang out with me. He hung out with all kinds of people that were marginalized and worked his ministry through them. From the tax collector to the prostitute, he would never reject anyone, because there is no us or them, only us. The us that was placed on this planet to live, learn and help each other. (Unless you are a hypocrite like the Pharisee who worship publicly and not live a Christ-like life outside of the church.) You can read all about it in the Gospels.

The final takeaway is that God made me this way to prepare me for the world and make me a better person.

John 9:1-7

1 [a]As he passed by he saw a man blind from birth. 2 [b]His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him. 4 We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” 6 When he had said this, he spat on the ground and made clay with the saliva, and smeared the clay on his eyes,7 and said to him, “Go wash[c] in the Pool of Siloam” (which means Sent). So he went and washed, and came back able to see.

I honestly believe that God has put me through this pain to help me understand other people and their pain and suffering. To know how pain and suffering work affects people is sometimes the best thing to have when helping others. I can have empathy, love, understanding, and compassion because God through his work has shown me all this. When people who are broken come to me I understand and help them with all my heart and soul. Each day passes when I continue to heal myself and I am better equipped to help others heal too. Perhaps, this is my answer. That these trials are there to prepare me to heal the world and make it a better place. And I am glad to take on this challenge.