First, was there EVER a more studly wikkid step-monster than Charlize Theron as Ravenna? As passionate, as strangely sympathetic, as bat-shit looney? Oh, I think not.
She is voracious in her appetites and exquisite to behold. Ravenna is ambitious, driven and motivated – all the things we Studettes catch flack for (Intimidating? Domineering? Aggressive? Save it Pansy, and grow a pair). Yes, Ravenna delivers the goods all night long; she’s the gift that keeps giving. Which is a good thing since Kirsten Stewart as Snow White cries out for a refund from minute one.
To be fair, her English accent is spot on and deserves kudos, as do her stunning two front teeth, which we see in every single scene. Aside from that, Bella failed to entice. Entice? I was barely kept conscious much less titillated in any way, and sandwiched between Charlize Theron’s non-stop solo lust fest and Chris Hemsworth’s strangely compelling Scot growl, Stewart was ethereal at best. The kind of ethereal that 14 year olds find, like TOTES tragic and stuff, but the kind that made this particular Studette hope her hymen breaks soon so she can become a reasonable hand drawn facsimile of interesting.
The movie is breathtakingly beautiful, the dwarves are outstanding, the Queen is remarkable. The trade-off is a script that couldn’t have taken more than 45 minutes to write (you’ll recognize a scene so clearly swiped from Lord of the Rings, I hope Peter Jackson got a cheque), and the absolute certainty that Kristen Stewart will never not be Bella. A fair trade if someone else is paying! See it big, it will be a complete waste on a small screen.
Keep studly my friends,